7 months and 5 days

this is how long it has been since I have held my son. 7 months and 3 days since I finally got to yell at someone about it.
I learned last week that there really are horrible, cruel people in this world. people who would do such things like call in a false child abuse report the day after your son dies of a heart attack. people who use words such as "dropped dead" to describe a 3 year old little boy's death.
it has taken this long, pushed ahead by an email and a phone conversation with the Sheriff of my state, an email to my Governor(he never responded) and numerous phone calls (most of which were ignored) to DCF. all of this occurred even though the Medical Examiner has stated that there were no signs of abuse or neglect within a week of his death. (DCF never bothered to call her for her report until I called her and explained what was happening. she called them and basically ripped them a new one for the incompetence they had shown thus far. little did I know that was just the beginning).
so here I am, no active cases involving me for the first time in over 7 months. does it feel good? no. I cannot imagine how many other families have suffered because of DCF after this case took this long for them to close. how many innocent children who ARE being abused, neglected, murdered went by the wayside while they were so busy creating reports and documents about my family? I feel like maybe now, just maybe, I can finally start to grieve.
so thanks, DCF, for making a horrible situation even more heart wrenching than it already was. and thank you, anonymous scum of the Earth person who called in that report. thank you so much for adding 2 sentences that did absolutely nothing except rip my heart apart a little bit more. but you should be proud, your call made it into the official report. many other things somehow didn't make the final cut. things like why they felt they needed to speak to my children at midnight after we had gotten home after saying goodbye to their little brother. things like asking my husband to give a urine sample when he was not even at home when our son stopped breathing. things like why a police detective and DCF investigator "interviewed" me for almost 3 hours in my home, after I had already told them what I knew. things like why my children felt the need to formulate a plan if DCF showed up again threatening to take them away(yes, they heard all of that conversation and it took months to convince them that they were safe).
where do I go from here? an appointment for legal consultation sounds sounds about right.

if I had known.....

my last post here was on February 15, 2011. I was complaining about my 3 year old son sleeping with us and me not getting any rest. 1 month from that date, my son died.

if I had known, I would never have complained about tiny toes jabbing me in the ribs in the middle of the night. I would give anything to be awoken by him rolling over me or stealing all of the covers.

today is April 17, and we still do not know why Luke died. they are still awaiting test results, experts are looking at different possibilities.

all I know is that my heart aches every second of every day. I want my baby back.

I had never heard of a family bed

when I was growing up, I shared a room with my sister. if I woke up from a bad dream or a thunderstorm (or the occassional earthquake), I can only remember a few times that I actually walked across the house and got into bed with my parents. most of the times, my sister just told me everything was fine, and to go back to sleep. and so I did.

fast forward to 2011. I have 3 children who are 11, 7 and 3. these three kids have all gone through phases where they have slept more in bed with me than in their own beds. we're going through one of those phases again.

the age of 3 is really a bitch. you are potty-trained, you can speak your mind, you can get dressed and undressed. you can feed yourself and quite often help yourself to some unusual snacks from the kitchen. but you're still only 3 and you still get scared and need your Momma and Daddy.

this began with my first son. he was our only child at the time, and after about 5 months of him magically appearing in our bed around 3AM, I decided to just make up a little sleeping bag and pillow spot each night on the floor for him. (he kicks...trust me, the floor was all nice and cozy enough for him) this went on for a few more months and then all of a sudden, he was staying in his room all night and at some point, I stopped setting out the sleeping bag and pillow.

my daughter went through it as well. she went through a period of sleepwalking and scared the crap out of me countless times. she was more content in her own room, but even nowadays, she'll come in and snuggle every now and then. she likes her sleep.

and now we're at our youngest son. he is 3. and he is in our bed almost every night. he will not creep in quietly and lay down on a sleeping bag and pillow. he picks up the bedding and carries it onto the bed with him. how many times have I awoken to the feeling of intense heat and suffication only to realize that I am buried underneath a Clifford the Big Red Dog sleeping bag and 4 pillows? he sleeps horizontally on our bed. I always get the feet. in my side or back.

now I have read a lot about attachment parenting and the "family bed". I hear Brad Pitt and Anji have a big bed just for this purpose. in theory, the family bed sounds nice. everyone is comforted, everyone is closeby, you rest together as a family. you bond.

what I rarely hear is that the Mom doesn't really get that much sleep in the situation. I am constantly removing toes from my armpit or trying to find a comfy position to sleep in with a 5 inch strip of space on the side of the bed. without falling off. my husband is sleeping fine, his snores tell me he reaches deep REM everynight. I kind of hate him for that.

my son will be 4 in April. perhaps age 4 will make him decide that his perfectly nice bed with bedding he picked out all by himself is an OK place to sleep again. either that or I need to invest in some of that Hydrolyze stuff I hear advertised for "intense dark undereye circles".

Happy Groundhog Day! 2011

well, hello there! Happy Groundhog Day. one of the most useless and senseless American holidays ever created.
Groundhog Day in Florida means nothing. it's just another day in February. we're not expecting any blizzards here, and school is open. (sorry to those of you up North experiencing the blizzard right now. I find it all fascinating to watch. I would die if I lived north of say...Atlanta. I would have no idea how to cope and survive a blizzard. so, I'll just save you all that experience and stay put in the land of sunshine and oranges.)
OK, I am going to start writing again. I promise. maybe. if I remember.